5 Lessons I Learned from my Grandmother
It’s been 81 days since my maternal grandmother took her last breath. She was 105 years old.
I can’t even begin to describe this state of emptiness. I mean, I know we all have to go at some point, but nothing really prepares you for the immense pain of watching someone you were once close to slowly decline until the end. Sure, I’ve been to a number of funerals, but I’ve never experienced a loss of this magnitude and quite truthfully, some days I’m barely holding on. Behind the occasional laughter and smiles you might see me display, most days I’m really just a walking shell on autopilot. The hardest part has been having to function and show face while emotionally crumbling inside.
She was truly my best friend and I think about her every day. I’ve had a few dreams with her in it, but she never stays long enough to talk. Sometimes I watch the video tribute we made for her funeral, just to see her and hear her voice again.
“It gets better as time goes on” is what I keep hearing, but that destination seems so farfetched from my current reality.
Admittedly, I haven’t been writing as much as I would have liked to. For the past couple of years, I’ve been dealing with what I learned to be anticipatory grief. Grieving while dealing with everyday life and other challenges had stifled my creativity. My creativity is directly linked to my state of mind. How can I possibly produce when I’m crippled by debilitating thoughts and circumstances? Some can, but that has not been my experience. I’m learning to move through it, though, and this post is the first step. I’m not looking for sympathy - this is just my way of healing and getting back in motion.
As I navigate grief, I’m reflecting on the type of person Victoria Albertina Kelly was, and the life she lived. There are 5 powerful lessons I’ve learned…
Develop a Routine
Every morning, my grandmother would ‘put something hot on [her] stomach’ and make some bush tea or coffee. She wouldn’t leave her room until she completed her daily devotions, read her Bible, and made the bed. Most days, she was in the kitchen, her apron tightly fastened and ready to go to war. She cooked and/or baked throughout the day, tended to her garden, and welcomed family members who’d pop in. In the evenings we’d watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy together. When she was ready to turn in for bed, she’d fill her thermos of hot water and a lemon, for good measure. She’s always had a routine and a sense of purpose for the day.
Eat What You Grow
People are always shocked when they hear how old my grandmother was and then it’s followed by the infamous, “what’s her secret?”
There’s not any one thing she did that was so groundbreaking, but what I can honestly say one of the reasons she lived so long was how she ate.
Living in Jamaica, my grandparents raised their own livestock and grew much of their own food. I was talking to one of my uncles recently and he reminisced about how he could not recall a time when his mother bought fast food for them growing up. The only time he remembered eating out was when they went into the city (Kingston) to run errands. That was the first time she ordered a bucket of chicken from KFC. Other than that, she made everything at home.
She carried that same practice when she moved to the U.S., setting up her own little garden wherever she lived. From callaloo to mint to fever grass (lemon grass) to scotch bonnet to cerasee – she had an assortment of goodies that she was ready to share with whoever came by. Now that I’ve been on my wellness journey, I realize the food my family was raised on were quality foods that aided in reducing inflammation, improving digestion, and more. They were on that organic tip way before it was commercialized.
Delay Instant Gratification…Enjoy the Process
This one is a lesson I’m still learning. We live in a world that prioritizes speed, efficiency, and quick fixes, but there’s beauty in slow living. My fondest memory is of my grandmother making bammy, a Jamaica flatbread made from cassava. Her process would literally take days to make! You could easily buy the cassava flour or better yet, buy the bammy ready-made but not her - she made everything from scratch. It makes me realize how much of our modern world depends on time-saving hacks that we lose the essence of taking our time and putting effort into the things we love. Slowing down delays the instant gratification bug and forces us to enjoy the process.
Movement is Medicine
This one’s another reason why I think she lived so long. She didn’t need a gym membership or go to boutique fitness studios. She wasn’t a part of any wellness community posting for the ‘gram in her quarter zip and matcha 😜. MOVEMENT was a part of her everyday life! From walking most places to riding her bike to work at 9 months pregnant. It probably wasn’t until her late 90s when I started hearing her complain about joint pain. LATE 90s!
She was in her early 80s when she visited my sister and me at our home in the Inland Empire. My parents weren’t home and she wanted to go to the grocery store, which was about a mile away. Mind you - our old neighborhood is filled with steep hills - but that didn’t deter her. She, my sister, and I went to Ralphs and on our way back, we each carried two big grocery bags. I remember she had us stop at a bench to give our little hands a break. I probably was in 8th, going on 9th grade then. A few moments later, we continued our trek back home. Whenever I do a farmer’s carry at the gym, I think about that day.
Find Joy in the Little Things
My grandmother didn’t live a lavish life, yet she was rich in spirit and life experiences. She found joy in the simple things, the things that made her happy: cooking, listening to Spanish music, sewing, gardening, spending quality time with her family - the list goes on. Finding joy is something that is available to us all.
I shared in my tribute that I will see to it that her legacy lives on. I don’t know what that means for my work just yet, but she showed me what true wealth is. I am forever changed.
If you’ve made it this far, please consider donating to an important cause
Victoria had a deep love for children. She was ready and willing to give her last to any one in need, no matter if they were biologically hers or not. In her honor, please consider making a donation to St. Jude Children's Hospital to further their research efforts.
If you feel so inclined, you can make your tax deductible donation HERE.
